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Today was Day 11 so I knew when I took my temp in the morning, it would start going down if I wasn’t pregnant.  And it went down.  I cried in bed for half an hour until Elsa woke up, then I texted J and got Elsa up.

When we went downstairs probably the best thing that could have happened did happen – J stopped home for a few minutes, he wasn’t upset at all, not sad or down or anything, he told me not to cry and kept saying over and over and over, “don’t worry, it will happen!”  It was the best thing.  After that I was still a little sad for bit, but wasn’t even close to as sad as I thought I would be.  Having J be optimistic for me, and take that sort of timeline pressure off me for a bit that I put on myself, and remind me that it will happen – that all made me feel soooooooooo much better and lighter!  And I haven’t even thought of it much today since this morning.  Tonight as we were sitting on the couch after Elsa went to bed, I thought about how little I’d thought about it, and that I was all okay.  I also thought how different it would be sitting there if my temp hadn’t gone down, but I was perfectly okay.

Maybe I’m getting used to getting negatives after three months, so it doesn’t affect me as much anymore.  Maybe it will help me to be more relaxed and not thinking about trying to get pregnant during the next cycle.  I’m sort of in shock at how normal I feel, how not sad after my big cry and brief sad time this morning.  I don’t even know what more to say about it.

So I will try to be optimistic and keep reminding myself of my new mantra from J – don’t worry, it WILL happen.  I know logically that 3 months isn’t unusual at all – even though it was right away with Elsa and I feel like I’m always hearing about people who get pregnant the first month of trying.  But it’s normal, it’s still okay.  I’m going to TRY to be more relaxed, to just know it will happen sometime.  This next cycle I think I’ll just have us have sex every other day so I’m not so focused on trying to plan exact days based on when I may ovulate.  I’ll keep it simple, sex on every other day.  And I’m going to get some PreSeed, just to add a little help to the sperm.  But I’ll try to make that my only planning thing.  I’ll make my notes on my iphone app and take my temperature and all that, but not keep looking at it during the day, and not stressing about when I’ll ovulate because it won’t matter since we’ll be consistently having sex just every other day.

I think it’s going to be a big help that Elsa and I are going to Michigan on Sunday for almost a week and a half.  I’ll have a total change of scenery and not be thinking about babies and pregnancy every day, and I’ll be so relaxed just hanging with my parents all that time.  When I get back it will be just about time to start trying, and we’ll probably start the every other day sex right away just in case I ovulate early.  And maybe I can start to figure some things out while I’m there.

I need to write very soon about my identity.  The very short gist is that I’m not sure just who I am anymore or what my identity is and what my purpose is and who I am.  I’m a mom and wife.  I’m not really working right now and have such low self-confidence business-wise, and really don’t know what to do with that and keep procrastinating like mad, so that causes me so much internal stress and nervousness.  I don’t like how I look – still need to lose at least 10 pounds before I’m feeling better, need to figure out an actual hairstyle, need to get a few outfits that I feel good in, etc.  So when I go out I don’t feel like I’m anything good, I’m just a mom in really boring clothes with boring hair and who hasn’t changed her style in years.  Yesterday Elsa and I went to the mall with a friend and her baby, and 1) there was a huge shoe sale and I didn’t even look cause a) I have no money to spend (one issue I deal with identity-wise) and b) I have no idea what to buy cause I’m so far out of the loop on style, and 2) my friend went into the m.a.c. store and I realized I haven’t bought different makeup in years – I always buy exactly the same, always from the drug store.  I used to be really into keeping up on makeup and style and now I don’t – I have all these excuses as to why but I don’t like that I’m so comfortable and never experimenting and never trying anything new.  I’m becoming my mom, and that absolutely terrifies me.  I looked at my hands today and they looked so old.  It really freaks me out.  My hands aren’t young hands anymore.  I don’t want to have old hands already.  My face is looking older to me now, too – small crow’s feet around my eyes, skin a little less smooth.  I don’t want to look old already.  I want to find products that will make me feel better about myself, that will make my skin look younger, will make me feel slightly more with the times – but I need to make money to do that.  Bottom line is I need to start making money again – I need to put myself out there, I need to work, I need to figure out how I can do that in the best way and still have plenty of time for my family.  I think until I start making some money, I won’t know who I am, I’ll feel guilty and stressed, I’ll worry about money, I’ll feel scared about paying off our debts, I’ll not know who I am, I won’t be able to buy cute things for Elsa when I want or for a baby when I get pregnant.  I need to expound on all this a bit more so I can have it clearer in my mind cause it’s still all mumbo jumbo and mixed up a bit – obviously from this long stream-of-conscious paragraph.  But anyway, I need to and will be writing about this more very soon.  It’s on my mind a ton these days, or just under the surface.

So to summarize.  No baby this cycle, I’m surprisingly fine, and next cycle will be more relaxed and less regimented and planned, but I will get some PreSeed to try.  And I have some really important issues to work on, and decisions that I need to make regarding my profession and how I’m going to make money, and need to start actually doing it.

Also – happy 16 months to my sweetest, most wonderful, massively loved little girl yesterday!  Tonight I wrote a huge and ridiculously long email to her that she can read when she’s a little older, giving her a total update on what she’s like now, what she eats, what she plays with, what she knows, etc.  I’m so happy I did it!  I didn’t expect it to be so long but what can I say, I can write a lot.  She’s my little ray of joy, she’s so wonderful, oh I love her more than ever possible to put into words, my heart is completely full with her!