I haven’t posted for almost a month! I was in Michigan visiting my parents from Feb 26 to March 6, so that’s understandable. And when I came back and I was really working on my new blogsite during Elsa’s naps for a couple days and then my hard drive died, so I’ve been without my computer since then. Hopefully I’ll get it back soon and HOPEFULLY they were able to fix the current hard drive so I don’t have to reload every single thing back on it. I’m typing on our MacBook Pro now, which J brought home from work. Yesterday is the first day I’ve really sat down with it, before that I honestly didn’t want anything to do with a computer cause I’m so stressed about the last one and whether I’m going to have to spend hours just setting it up again.
So TTC update. I’m 8 days past ovulation right now, so this weekend or by very early next week I should know. I am not expecting a positive result, because I ovulated on Day 15 instead of Day 18 or 19 as expected, so that completely messed up everything. I had 3 day old sperm in there and 1 day old. But the 1 day old try I don’t think really counted, cause a) I was on top (I didn’t expect that day to super count, and also J was so tired from working all weekend so I wanted to be nice to him – and I sooooo regretted that when I ovulated), and b) we used PreSeed for the first time that try and so I was really lubed and wet and as a result I think most of it and the sperm leaked out before I could roll over on my back.
SO, I’m not expecting a good result. But of course I’m still super hopeful cause I can’t help it. I’m mostly just so disappointed that it’s a wasted month with only one good try counting. I spend so much time planning out when I’ll ovulate, when we’ll have sex, what days will count, what days will count more towards girl or boy, etc., and to have all that planning and thinking, and a whole cycle and month, go to crap is soooo frustrating.
I’m expecting that in a week I’ll have my period and start my planning for the next cycle. But that’s not going to be super easy, the trying during the next cycle, cause we’ll be in Vancouver visiting J’s family the whole time. For I think 3 of the days we’ll be sleeping by ourselves in a room in a basement, so that will be fine for trying, but the other days won’t be as easy, and I don’t know how J is going to react when I tell him we need to be having sex regularly while we’re there. He knows how important this is to me, so I think he’ll be okay with it at least at certain locations, but I think at other places he may say no way. And the other bad thing about that timing is that I’m going to be a little stressed the whole time we’re there, and that’s not good for my body.
However, I am realizing that I’m also pretty stressed right now. I think I push it back a lot and pretend that I’m not to myself, or don’t actively think about my stress a lot of the time, but I am realizing that it’s always there. Work stuff – how I can make money, can I keep doing what I’m doing now even though I don’t feel good at it, what else could I do, how could I find a good part time daycare if I do get a part time normal job, what that part time job could possibly be, how I’d probably make less money working part time than I could make now if I would just get off my butt, and how scared I am to get back into photography, afraid that no one will book me, afraid that I won’t be good. But so stressed that I’m not pulling my weight, I’m not contributing to our household, I’m not bringing in money that we need to pay off debts and be able to buy things. Elsa is little now but I was thinking how in a couple years we are going to want to buy her bigger toys, put her in a couple classes, take her places, and buy her cute clothes. Right now that wouldn’t be possible. Bottom line is that I need to start making some money, I’m just so scared and feel so worthless and awful and unable to do anything. I am realizing that this stress is always there under the surface, even if I pretend it isn’t. And when we go to Vancouver I know his family will ask about my photography and it won’t be easy to just brush it off, I need to have some answers to give them and some plans to talk about so they all don’t think so low of me.
And I am sometimes having guilt too that I’m too selfish with having Elsa with me all the time. Part of me wants it and loves it, but a part of me wonders if she would benefit more from going to daycare part time than just being with me all the time. I’m trying to make a real effort to do stuff with her every day – even going shopping or playing out in the front yard, just so she gets more stimulation than in our house. And I’m so happy spring is coming cause we can be outside then and go to playgrounds every day, and she can be around little kids for at least a bit every single day. Today we went to the community centre and she loved playing with all the toys and I loved that she was around lots of little kids. I’m going to arrange some play dates after I type this. I need to be a better mom for her, and I need to be much much much less lazy.
I feel so awful and worthless right now in almost every area of my life. I’m worried that I won’t be able to conceive until I take some serious action and make some plans and start booking things so I won’t feel so bad. And it will be good when it’s a little warmer too, regularly. And at least I’m making plans for Elsa to be out every day. But I’m still feeling pretty stressed right now.
And add to all that, I am feeling old now suddenly. My body is definitely feeling older than it used to. I can’t kneel down for a long period of time without it being really hard to stand up and straighten out especially one knee. It doesn’t feel great to completely kneel on that one knee. And even my ankles seem to cramp up or the joints or ligaments lock up. When I sit for awhile with my feet up and stretched out, it’s hard to stand up and walk right away cause my feet don’t want to stretch back to flat walking position. It’s awful and embarrassing and depressing to be just 35 and feel like my body is already aging and letting me down. Of course I’ve probably let it down by still being 15 pound overweight and not exercising. So that’s yet another thing I feel bad about. I’m not in great place right now, even though I put on a happy face all the time.
Anyway, that’s my stream of conscious update for today. Hopefully I’ll feel a little more positive soon. If my computer comes back and the hard drive was fixed I’ll feel so much better, and can then quickly finish my new blogsite. That would make me happy.