Category Archives: Elsa

I’m back

20 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Elsa, Personal, TTC

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I haven’t posted for almost a month!  I was in Michigan visiting my parents from Feb 26 to March 6, so that’s understandable.  And when I came back and I was really working on my new blogsite during Elsa’s naps for a couple days and then my hard drive died, so I’ve been without my computer since then.  Hopefully I’ll get it back soon and HOPEFULLY they were able to fix the current hard drive so I don’t have to reload every single thing back on it.  I’m typing on our MacBook Pro now, which J brought home from work.  Yesterday is the first day I’ve really sat down with it, before that I honestly didn’t want anything to do with a computer cause I’m so stressed about the last one and whether I’m going to have to spend hours just setting it up again.

So TTC update.  I’m 8 days past ovulation right now, so this weekend or by very early next week I should know.  I am not expecting a positive result, because I ovulated on Day 15 instead of Day 18 or 19 as expected, so that completely messed up everything.  I had 3 day old sperm in there and 1 day old.  But the 1 day old try I don’t think really counted, cause a) I was on top (I didn’t expect that day to super count, and also J was so tired from working all weekend so I wanted to be nice to him – and I sooooo regretted that when I ovulated), and b) we used PreSeed for the first time that try and so I was really lubed and wet and as a result I think most of it and the sperm leaked out before I could roll over on my back.

SO, I’m not expecting a good result.  But of course I’m still super hopeful cause I can’t help it.  I’m mostly just so disappointed that it’s a wasted month with only one good try counting.  I spend so much time planning out when I’ll ovulate, when we’ll have sex, what days will count, what days will count more towards girl or boy, etc., and to have all that planning and thinking, and a whole cycle and month, go to crap is soooo frustrating.

I’m expecting that in a week I’ll have my period and start my planning for the next cycle.  But that’s not going to be super easy, the trying during the next cycle, cause we’ll be in Vancouver visiting J’s family the whole time.  For I think 3 of the days we’ll be sleeping by ourselves in a room in a basement, so that will be fine for trying, but the other days won’t be as easy, and I don’t know how J is going to react when I tell him we need to be having sex regularly while we’re there.  He knows how important this is to me, so I think he’ll be okay with it at least at certain locations, but I think at other places he may say no way.  And the other bad thing about that timing is that I’m going to be a little stressed the whole time we’re there, and that’s not good for my body.

However, I am realizing that I’m also pretty stressed right now.  I think I push it back a lot and pretend that I’m not to myself, or don’t actively think about my stress a lot of the time, but I am realizing that it’s always there.  Work stuff – how I can make money, can I keep doing what I’m doing now even though I don’t feel good at it, what else could I do, how could I find a good part time daycare if I do get a part time normal job, what that part time job could possibly be, how I’d probably make less money working part time than I could make now if I would just get off my butt, and how scared I am to get back into photography, afraid that no one will book me, afraid that I won’t be good.  But so stressed that I’m not pulling my weight, I’m not contributing to our household, I’m not bringing in money that we need to pay off debts and be able to buy things.  Elsa is little now but I was thinking how in a couple years we are going to want to buy her bigger toys, put her in a couple classes, take her places, and buy her cute clothes.  Right now that wouldn’t be possible.  Bottom line is that I need to start making some money, I’m just so scared and feel so worthless and awful and unable to do anything.  I am realizing that this stress is always there under the surface, even if I pretend it isn’t.  And when we go to Vancouver I know his family will ask about my photography and it won’t be easy to just brush it off, I need to have some answers to give them and some plans to talk about so they all don’t think so low of me.

And I am sometimes having guilt too that I’m too selfish with having Elsa with me all the time.  Part of me wants it and loves it, but a part of me wonders if she would benefit more from going to daycare part time than just being with me all the time.  I’m trying to make a real effort to do stuff with her every day – even going shopping or playing out in the front yard, just so she gets more stimulation than in our house.  And I’m so happy spring is coming cause we can be outside then and go to playgrounds every day, and she can be around little kids for at least a bit every single day.  Today we went to the community centre and she loved playing with all the toys and I loved that she was around lots of little kids.  I’m going to arrange some play dates after I type this.  I need to be a better mom for her, and I need to be much much much less lazy.

I feel so awful and worthless right now in almost every area of my life.  I’m worried that I won’t be able to conceive until I take some serious action and make some plans and start booking things so I won’t feel so bad.  And it will be good when it’s a little warmer too, regularly.  And at least I’m making plans for Elsa to be out every day.  But I’m still feeling pretty stressed right now.

And add to all that, I am feeling old now suddenly.  My body is definitely feeling older than it used to.  I can’t kneel down for a long period of time without it being really hard to stand up and straighten out especially one knee.  It doesn’t feel great to completely kneel on that one knee.  And even my ankles seem to cramp up or the joints or ligaments lock up.  When I sit for awhile with my feet up and stretched out, it’s hard to stand up and walk right away cause my feet don’t want to stretch back to flat walking position.  It’s awful and embarrassing and depressing to be just 35 and feel like my body is already aging and letting me down.  Of course I’ve probably let it down by still being 15 pound overweight and not exercising.  So that’s yet another thing I feel bad about.  I’m not in great place right now, even though I put on a happy face all the time.

Anyway, that’s my stream of conscious update for today.  Hopefully I’ll feel a little more positive soon.  If my computer comes back and the hard drive was fixed I’ll feel so much better, and can then quickly finish my new blogsite.  That would make me happy.

No baby :(

24 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by in Elsa, Personal, TTC

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Today was Day 11 so I knew when I took my temp in the morning, it would start going down if I wasn’t pregnant.  And it went down.  I cried in bed for half an hour until Elsa woke up, then I texted J and got Elsa up.

When we went downstairs probably the best thing that could have happened did happen – J stopped home for a few minutes, he wasn’t upset at all, not sad or down or anything, he told me not to cry and kept saying over and over and over, “don’t worry, it will happen!”  It was the best thing.  After that I was still a little sad for bit, but wasn’t even close to as sad as I thought I would be.  Having J be optimistic for me, and take that sort of timeline pressure off me for a bit that I put on myself, and remind me that it will happen – that all made me feel soooooooooo much better and lighter!  And I haven’t even thought of it much today since this morning.  Tonight as we were sitting on the couch after Elsa went to bed, I thought about how little I’d thought about it, and that I was all okay.  I also thought how different it would be sitting there if my temp hadn’t gone down, but I was perfectly okay.

Maybe I’m getting used to getting negatives after three months, so it doesn’t affect me as much anymore.  Maybe it will help me to be more relaxed and not thinking about trying to get pregnant during the next cycle.  I’m sort of in shock at how normal I feel, how not sad after my big cry and brief sad time this morning.  I don’t even know what more to say about it.

So I will try to be optimistic and keep reminding myself of my new mantra from J – don’t worry, it WILL happen.  I know logically that 3 months isn’t unusual at all – even though it was right away with Elsa and I feel like I’m always hearing about people who get pregnant the first month of trying.  But it’s normal, it’s still okay.  I’m going to TRY to be more relaxed, to just know it will happen sometime.  This next cycle I think I’ll just have us have sex every other day so I’m not so focused on trying to plan exact days based on when I may ovulate.  I’ll keep it simple, sex on every other day.  And I’m going to get some PreSeed, just to add a little help to the sperm.  But I’ll try to make that my only planning thing.  I’ll make my notes on my iphone app and take my temperature and all that, but not keep looking at it during the day, and not stressing about when I’ll ovulate because it won’t matter since we’ll be consistently having sex just every other day.

I think it’s going to be a big help that Elsa and I are going to Michigan on Sunday for almost a week and a half.  I’ll have a total change of scenery and not be thinking about babies and pregnancy every day, and I’ll be so relaxed just hanging with my parents all that time.  When I get back it will be just about time to start trying, and we’ll probably start the every other day sex right away just in case I ovulate early.  And maybe I can start to figure some things out while I’m there.

I need to write very soon about my identity.  The very short gist is that I’m not sure just who I am anymore or what my identity is and what my purpose is and who I am.  I’m a mom and wife.  I’m not really working right now and have such low self-confidence business-wise, and really don’t know what to do with that and keep procrastinating like mad, so that causes me so much internal stress and nervousness.  I don’t like how I look – still need to lose at least 10 pounds before I’m feeling better, need to figure out an actual hairstyle, need to get a few outfits that I feel good in, etc.  So when I go out I don’t feel like I’m anything good, I’m just a mom in really boring clothes with boring hair and who hasn’t changed her style in years.  Yesterday Elsa and I went to the mall with a friend and her baby, and 1) there was a huge shoe sale and I didn’t even look cause a) I have no money to spend (one issue I deal with identity-wise) and b) I have no idea what to buy cause I’m so far out of the loop on style, and 2) my friend went into the m.a.c. store and I realized I haven’t bought different makeup in years – I always buy exactly the same, always from the drug store.  I used to be really into keeping up on makeup and style and now I don’t – I have all these excuses as to why but I don’t like that I’m so comfortable and never experimenting and never trying anything new.  I’m becoming my mom, and that absolutely terrifies me.  I looked at my hands today and they looked so old.  It really freaks me out.  My hands aren’t young hands anymore.  I don’t want to have old hands already.  My face is looking older to me now, too – small crow’s feet around my eyes, skin a little less smooth.  I don’t want to look old already.  I want to find products that will make me feel better about myself, that will make my skin look younger, will make me feel slightly more with the times – but I need to make money to do that.  Bottom line is I need to start making money again – I need to put myself out there, I need to work, I need to figure out how I can do that in the best way and still have plenty of time for my family.  I think until I start making some money, I won’t know who I am, I’ll feel guilty and stressed, I’ll worry about money, I’ll feel scared about paying off our debts, I’ll not know who I am, I won’t be able to buy cute things for Elsa when I want or for a baby when I get pregnant.  I need to expound on all this a bit more so I can have it clearer in my mind cause it’s still all mumbo jumbo and mixed up a bit – obviously from this long stream-of-conscious paragraph.  But anyway, I need to and will be writing about this more very soon.  It’s on my mind a ton these days, or just under the surface.

So to summarize.  No baby this cycle, I’m surprisingly fine, and next cycle will be more relaxed and less regimented and planned, but I will get some PreSeed to try.  And I have some really important issues to work on, and decisions that I need to make regarding my profession and how I’m going to make money, and need to start actually doing it.

Also – happy 16 months to my sweetest, most wonderful, massively loved little girl yesterday!  Tonight I wrote a huge and ridiculously long email to her that she can read when she’s a little older, giving her a total update on what she’s like now, what she eats, what she plays with, what she knows, etc.  I’m so happy I did it!  I didn’t expect it to be so long but what can I say, I can write a lot.  She’s my little ray of joy, she’s so wonderful, oh I love her more than ever possible to put into words, my heart is completely full with her!

Cycle 3!

07 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Elsa, TTC

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We’re in the middle of trying during this cycle and I’m all excited again! Nervous of course that it won’t work again, scared to be hopeful, but happy that we’re doing all the right things on the right days so giving ourselves as good a chance as we can.  I’m drinking lots of water, have been taking my vitamins and thyroid medicine every day, and the correct level of thyroid medicine for the last month so hopefully it’s regulated by now.  I’ve been going to bed earlier most nights so I’m getting the proper amounts of sleep.  I have other things occupying my mind so I’m not soooo focused on getting pregnant.  And we’re doing Weight Watchers now so I feel like I’m eating much much healthier.  So I’m hopeful!

I should ovulate sometime between Thursday and Saturday.  Our trying schedule is last Saturday, yesterday (Monday), today (Tuesday), Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday.  So we’ll be well covered no matter when I ovulate.  I’m trying not to think about it too much, and during the day I really hardly do, but at night after Elsa goes to sleep it’s on my mind a lot.

Elsa has been so cute today, giggling at random things when we’ve been playing, carrying around a ball in a cup and so proud, waving at the TV when she sees people waving, loving being on the couch, rolling around on the guestroom bed, just being so cute and so adorable and so full of little girl joy!

I feel like time has gone really fast since she turned one.  I can’t believe she’s 15 1/2 months already.  It’s SO much fun to watch her learn new things and do new things and walk faster and start developing little habits that are so cute!  She is absolutely the best little thing ever!  This last week she finally learned how to wave and it is The.Cutest.Thing.Ever!  And she absolutely loves rolling around and playing on the guest room bed.  The mattress is on the ground so she can climb up and get off easily, and she rolls around (almost somersaulting) and loves to sit up and then fall backwards into the covers!  And she loves sitting on her own on the couch now, too – she can’t get up by herself quite yet but she loves it – she’ll sit back, then stand up and slide down onto her bum over and over!  She loves being chased, she loves when daddy tickles her or rubs his face on her belly, she loves taking apart her wooden train, and she LOVES books!  She’ll bring me a book and we’ll read it, then I’ll ask if she wants to get another book and she’ll get down and go bring me another.  Just last night for the first time she would bring me two or three books (one at a time) before sitting on my lap to read them, I thought that was pretty cool that she was anticipating wanting to get another book after the first so brought numerous ones over!  She is so wonderful!

Elsa is just waking so back to mommying!  A photo from a couple weeks ago, of Elsa giving me hugs and being shy when first seeing my friends after her nap!

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