Category Archives: Personal

Really high hopes right now!

23 Friday Mar 2012

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I’m trying so hard to keep my hopes low so I won’t be crushed again, but I can’t help thinking and really hoping that I’m pregnant right now.

Today was Day 11 post ovulation and my temp remained high, whereas for the past three cycles it has dropped on Day 11.  And for the past three days I’ve had moments of nauseous stomach/queasy stomach/general not feeling great.  Of course I tell myself it’s WAY too early to be feeling that due to pregnancy, but still, I don’t feel that way other times.  (If I’m not pregnant then I obviously am a little nuts making myself feel symptoms in hopes of being pregnant).  So I have to admit, I feel like this is going to be the month, I feel like I’ll get a positive test.  It’s going to REALLY suck if I don’t since I have my hopes so up high right now.

Tomorrow morning if my temp is still high I’m going to take one of those early pregnancy tests that can detect pregnancies up to 6 days before your expected period (and at 68% six days before, that’s incredible).  Tomorrow would be around 3 days before my expected period so if I am pregnant, it theoretically should give me a positive.  I’m so hopeful right now but also starting to get nervous about only seeing one line.

My one worry is that this cycle, my temp went up just hours after I ovulated (I felt the pains at 4:30 a.m. and my temp was already up at 8:00).  All my other cycles, it has taken over a day for my temp to go up.  So I have this little worry that tomorrow will be the key day, like the regular Day 11, so I will be very very nervous taking my temp tomorrow morning.  BUT, if it’s still up then I get to take a test that I hope will be positive, so it all hinges on what my temp is when I wake up.  I’m feeling so nervous already.  Excited but more nervous.

Last night I had terrible insomnia.  I fell asleep at 10:30 and our dog woke me up at 12:30 to go out, and then I couldn’t fall back asleep until around 4:00 a.m.  I’ve had insomnia a few times over the past couple months, so I don’t think it’s anything related to being or not being pregnant, but I am noting it just in case.

So I’m very yawny right now.  I hope J will want to rent a movie tonight on iTunes so we can cuddle and eat popcorn and watch something good that will keep my mind off tomorrow morning’s temp and possible test.  And then I’ll be really sleepy after that so hopefully sleep well all night.

OMG, tomorrow morning I COULD get a positive.  But I need to not get excited yet, otherwise I will be so so depressed tomorrow morning if my temp drops or I get a negative test.  So the goal is to focus on other things until tomorrow morning.

I took Elsa to the mall for a bit today.  Today was Elsa shopping day, and can I just say that there are WAY WAY WAY too many incredibly adorable summer clothes for little girls.  Seriously!  I wanted to buy her so so many things!  Especially at Baby Gap!  It’s good that I don’t have much money right now cause otherwise I think I would blow it all on dressing Elsa adorably!  Next week I will go again and be looking for things for me:  a) a cute infinity scarf to wear with an outfit, b) possibly a certain pair of flats for spring and summer, c) possibly a cute light jacket or fleece to replace my 6 or 7 year old one that I’ve worn pretty much all winter – I want one that looks a little nicer and more stylish, oh and d) possibly a new pair of sunglasses, oh and e) maybe a necklace.  Money is the problem, so letter a is the only one I will for sure be looking to buy.  And I need to get my jeans hemmed and one pair of black pants hemmed.

We’re visiting J’s family in Vancouver at the beginning of April and his mom is so stylish and always looks so good (and also has the money to buy really good clothes), so I usually feel like such a bum compared to her and there are plenty of other issues there so if I can at least feel good about my clothes then that will be wonderful.  I am soooooooo grateful to my mom for taking me shopping when we were visiting there and spoiling me so much, every single day when I put on the clothes she bought me I feel good.  And I’m getting a haircut next Tuesday and am finally going to change my hairstyle that I’ve had for probably 20 years (long layered hair with center part).  I am now moving my part over to the side a bit, and am still keeping my current length with just a trim, but I’m going to either have very long side bangs or possibly medium length side-swept bangs.  I’ve considered regular long kind of messy bangs but I’m not sure how it would work with my hair, so I’ll go for a smaller change, but still a substantial change, to start with!  I’m so excited that I’ve finally got the courage to try a slightly different hairstyle!!  And I’m so super excited that I will have an actual hairSTYLE, and that will give me more confidence as well!

I’m just going to list here for myself now the things I still need to get for Elsa for summer: a hat with strap (I haven’t found a single hat I like yet), more capri leggings with ruffles (I bought a pair today so I’ll try it on her, I hope it’s more fitted than the ones we bought already that seem so loose, I don’t think they’ll ever fit her this summer), a couple more cute sleeveless or cap-sleeve shirts, and at least one pair of cute sandals closer to summer when I know her actual shoe size then.

My sweet girl is starting to move around a tiny bit in her crib so I think she’s on the way to waking up.  I’m so happy we have leftovers from last night to eat for dinner tonight cause I so don’t feel like cooking.  First cause I’ve had just the slightest tiniest stomach ache for a couple hours now, and second cause I’m so tired both from lack of sleep last night and also from the super gray skies today.

I will be posting over the weekend regardless of whether I find out I’m pregnant or not. Hopefully yes, fingers and toes and everything else so crossed for a high temp and positive test result!!!!!!!!!!

I’m back

20 Tuesday Mar 2012

Posted by in Elsa, Personal, TTC

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I haven’t posted for almost a month!  I was in Michigan visiting my parents from Feb 26 to March 6, so that’s understandable.  And when I came back and I was really working on my new blogsite during Elsa’s naps for a couple days and then my hard drive died, so I’ve been without my computer since then.  Hopefully I’ll get it back soon and HOPEFULLY they were able to fix the current hard drive so I don’t have to reload every single thing back on it.  I’m typing on our MacBook Pro now, which J brought home from work.  Yesterday is the first day I’ve really sat down with it, before that I honestly didn’t want anything to do with a computer cause I’m so stressed about the last one and whether I’m going to have to spend hours just setting it up again.

So TTC update.  I’m 8 days past ovulation right now, so this weekend or by very early next week I should know.  I am not expecting a positive result, because I ovulated on Day 15 instead of Day 18 or 19 as expected, so that completely messed up everything.  I had 3 day old sperm in there and 1 day old.  But the 1 day old try I don’t think really counted, cause a) I was on top (I didn’t expect that day to super count, and also J was so tired from working all weekend so I wanted to be nice to him – and I sooooo regretted that when I ovulated), and b) we used PreSeed for the first time that try and so I was really lubed and wet and as a result I think most of it and the sperm leaked out before I could roll over on my back.

SO, I’m not expecting a good result.  But of course I’m still super hopeful cause I can’t help it.  I’m mostly just so disappointed that it’s a wasted month with only one good try counting.  I spend so much time planning out when I’ll ovulate, when we’ll have sex, what days will count, what days will count more towards girl or boy, etc., and to have all that planning and thinking, and a whole cycle and month, go to crap is soooo frustrating.

I’m expecting that in a week I’ll have my period and start my planning for the next cycle.  But that’s not going to be super easy, the trying during the next cycle, cause we’ll be in Vancouver visiting J’s family the whole time.  For I think 3 of the days we’ll be sleeping by ourselves in a room in a basement, so that will be fine for trying, but the other days won’t be as easy, and I don’t know how J is going to react when I tell him we need to be having sex regularly while we’re there.  He knows how important this is to me, so I think he’ll be okay with it at least at certain locations, but I think at other places he may say no way.  And the other bad thing about that timing is that I’m going to be a little stressed the whole time we’re there, and that’s not good for my body.

However, I am realizing that I’m also pretty stressed right now.  I think I push it back a lot and pretend that I’m not to myself, or don’t actively think about my stress a lot of the time, but I am realizing that it’s always there.  Work stuff – how I can make money, can I keep doing what I’m doing now even though I don’t feel good at it, what else could I do, how could I find a good part time daycare if I do get a part time normal job, what that part time job could possibly be, how I’d probably make less money working part time than I could make now if I would just get off my butt, and how scared I am to get back into photography, afraid that no one will book me, afraid that I won’t be good.  But so stressed that I’m not pulling my weight, I’m not contributing to our household, I’m not bringing in money that we need to pay off debts and be able to buy things.  Elsa is little now but I was thinking how in a couple years we are going to want to buy her bigger toys, put her in a couple classes, take her places, and buy her cute clothes.  Right now that wouldn’t be possible.  Bottom line is that I need to start making some money, I’m just so scared and feel so worthless and awful and unable to do anything.  I am realizing that this stress is always there under the surface, even if I pretend it isn’t.  And when we go to Vancouver I know his family will ask about my photography and it won’t be easy to just brush it off, I need to have some answers to give them and some plans to talk about so they all don’t think so low of me.

And I am sometimes having guilt too that I’m too selfish with having Elsa with me all the time.  Part of me wants it and loves it, but a part of me wonders if she would benefit more from going to daycare part time than just being with me all the time.  I’m trying to make a real effort to do stuff with her every day – even going shopping or playing out in the front yard, just so she gets more stimulation than in our house.  And I’m so happy spring is coming cause we can be outside then and go to playgrounds every day, and she can be around little kids for at least a bit every single day.  Today we went to the community centre and she loved playing with all the toys and I loved that she was around lots of little kids.  I’m going to arrange some play dates after I type this.  I need to be a better mom for her, and I need to be much much much less lazy.

I feel so awful and worthless right now in almost every area of my life.  I’m worried that I won’t be able to conceive until I take some serious action and make some plans and start booking things so I won’t feel so bad.  And it will be good when it’s a little warmer too, regularly.  And at least I’m making plans for Elsa to be out every day.  But I’m still feeling pretty stressed right now.

And add to all that, I am feeling old now suddenly.  My body is definitely feeling older than it used to.  I can’t kneel down for a long period of time without it being really hard to stand up and straighten out especially one knee.  It doesn’t feel great to completely kneel on that one knee.  And even my ankles seem to cramp up or the joints or ligaments lock up.  When I sit for awhile with my feet up and stretched out, it’s hard to stand up and walk right away cause my feet don’t want to stretch back to flat walking position.  It’s awful and embarrassing and depressing to be just 35 and feel like my body is already aging and letting me down.  Of course I’ve probably let it down by still being 15 pound overweight and not exercising.  So that’s yet another thing I feel bad about.  I’m not in great place right now, even though I put on a happy face all the time.

Anyway, that’s my stream of conscious update for today.  Hopefully I’ll feel a little more positive soon.  If my computer comes back and the hard drive was fixed I’ll feel so much better, and can then quickly finish my new blogsite.  That would make me happy.

No baby :(

24 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by in Elsa, Personal, TTC

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Today was Day 11 so I knew when I took my temp in the morning, it would start going down if I wasn’t pregnant.  And it went down.  I cried in bed for half an hour until Elsa woke up, then I texted J and got Elsa up.

When we went downstairs probably the best thing that could have happened did happen – J stopped home for a few minutes, he wasn’t upset at all, not sad or down or anything, he told me not to cry and kept saying over and over and over, “don’t worry, it will happen!”  It was the best thing.  After that I was still a little sad for bit, but wasn’t even close to as sad as I thought I would be.  Having J be optimistic for me, and take that sort of timeline pressure off me for a bit that I put on myself, and remind me that it will happen – that all made me feel soooooooooo much better and lighter!  And I haven’t even thought of it much today since this morning.  Tonight as we were sitting on the couch after Elsa went to bed, I thought about how little I’d thought about it, and that I was all okay.  I also thought how different it would be sitting there if my temp hadn’t gone down, but I was perfectly okay.

Maybe I’m getting used to getting negatives after three months, so it doesn’t affect me as much anymore.  Maybe it will help me to be more relaxed and not thinking about trying to get pregnant during the next cycle.  I’m sort of in shock at how normal I feel, how not sad after my big cry and brief sad time this morning.  I don’t even know what more to say about it.

So I will try to be optimistic and keep reminding myself of my new mantra from J – don’t worry, it WILL happen.  I know logically that 3 months isn’t unusual at all – even though it was right away with Elsa and I feel like I’m always hearing about people who get pregnant the first month of trying.  But it’s normal, it’s still okay.  I’m going to TRY to be more relaxed, to just know it will happen sometime.  This next cycle I think I’ll just have us have sex every other day so I’m not so focused on trying to plan exact days based on when I may ovulate.  I’ll keep it simple, sex on every other day.  And I’m going to get some PreSeed, just to add a little help to the sperm.  But I’ll try to make that my only planning thing.  I’ll make my notes on my iphone app and take my temperature and all that, but not keep looking at it during the day, and not stressing about when I’ll ovulate because it won’t matter since we’ll be consistently having sex just every other day.

I think it’s going to be a big help that Elsa and I are going to Michigan on Sunday for almost a week and a half.  I’ll have a total change of scenery and not be thinking about babies and pregnancy every day, and I’ll be so relaxed just hanging with my parents all that time.  When I get back it will be just about time to start trying, and we’ll probably start the every other day sex right away just in case I ovulate early.  And maybe I can start to figure some things out while I’m there.

I need to write very soon about my identity.  The very short gist is that I’m not sure just who I am anymore or what my identity is and what my purpose is and who I am.  I’m a mom and wife.  I’m not really working right now and have such low self-confidence business-wise, and really don’t know what to do with that and keep procrastinating like mad, so that causes me so much internal stress and nervousness.  I don’t like how I look – still need to lose at least 10 pounds before I’m feeling better, need to figure out an actual hairstyle, need to get a few outfits that I feel good in, etc.  So when I go out I don’t feel like I’m anything good, I’m just a mom in really boring clothes with boring hair and who hasn’t changed her style in years.  Yesterday Elsa and I went to the mall with a friend and her baby, and 1) there was a huge shoe sale and I didn’t even look cause a) I have no money to spend (one issue I deal with identity-wise) and b) I have no idea what to buy cause I’m so far out of the loop on style, and 2) my friend went into the m.a.c. store and I realized I haven’t bought different makeup in years – I always buy exactly the same, always from the drug store.  I used to be really into keeping up on makeup and style and now I don’t – I have all these excuses as to why but I don’t like that I’m so comfortable and never experimenting and never trying anything new.  I’m becoming my mom, and that absolutely terrifies me.  I looked at my hands today and they looked so old.  It really freaks me out.  My hands aren’t young hands anymore.  I don’t want to have old hands already.  My face is looking older to me now, too – small crow’s feet around my eyes, skin a little less smooth.  I don’t want to look old already.  I want to find products that will make me feel better about myself, that will make my skin look younger, will make me feel slightly more with the times – but I need to make money to do that.  Bottom line is I need to start making money again – I need to put myself out there, I need to work, I need to figure out how I can do that in the best way and still have plenty of time for my family.  I think until I start making some money, I won’t know who I am, I’ll feel guilty and stressed, I’ll worry about money, I’ll feel scared about paying off our debts, I’ll not know who I am, I won’t be able to buy cute things for Elsa when I want or for a baby when I get pregnant.  I need to expound on all this a bit more so I can have it clearer in my mind cause it’s still all mumbo jumbo and mixed up a bit – obviously from this long stream-of-conscious paragraph.  But anyway, I need to and will be writing about this more very soon.  It’s on my mind a ton these days, or just under the surface.

So to summarize.  No baby this cycle, I’m surprisingly fine, and next cycle will be more relaxed and less regimented and planned, but I will get some PreSeed to try.  And I have some really important issues to work on, and decisions that I need to make regarding my profession and how I’m going to make money, and need to start actually doing it.

Also – happy 16 months to my sweetest, most wonderful, massively loved little girl yesterday!  Tonight I wrote a huge and ridiculously long email to her that she can read when she’s a little older, giving her a total update on what she’s like now, what she eats, what she plays with, what she knows, etc.  I’m so happy I did it!  I didn’t expect it to be so long but what can I say, I can write a lot.  She’s my little ray of joy, she’s so wonderful, oh I love her more than ever possible to put into words, my heart is completely full with her!

Valentine’s Day & TTC update

14 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Personal, TTC

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It’s Valentine’s Day today.  I like the day because it lets us focus for a day on how grateful we are for the people we love, to have them in our lives, and we actively appreciate them and feel more love.  Last night when I was writing a card to J I was thinking about the first time we met, about my first visit to see him in Vancouver and how amazing it was, about all our visits while dating long distance, and about the progression of our relationship over the last four years of living here.  It was really cool to think back and relive moments and also think how far we’ve come, how much more I love him now than I did before, how much better we know each other, and again think of how lucky I am that we found each other and made this work.  I feel so lucky, he’s SUCH a wonderful person, I love him so so much.

The part of Valentine’s Day that I don’t like is the expectation and the comparing.  As girls I think we all grow up dreaming of our guys giving us the most romantic surprises and really making us feel so so special.  Hollywood is mostly at fault for those hopeful expectations.  So I hate that there is always that little tiny hope that something so amazing and romantic and special will happen, and maybe a tiny smidgen of disappointment when it doesn’t.  Logically I know it’s so unrealistic in real everyday life, and really I don’t need anything fantastical, but there’s always that little tiny wish deep inside.

And then there are flowers.  Part of me would love for him to bring flowers home, flowers make me so happy and are so pretty.  But I also hate how expensive they are at Valentine’s Day, that pisses me off.  And then, to be honest, the kind of flowers matters.  J usually brings lilies, once he brought carnations.  I’m not a huge fan of lilies (they seem cold and modern to me) and I hate carnations.  Peonies are my absolute favorite flower (but very out of season right now), and after that are roses and tulips, or pretty mixed bouquets or more wildflower looks.  I hate that I’m even a little bit picky about the kind of flowers when it’s the thought that really matters, but a part of me also feels like he should know what kind of flowers I like.

I sound terrible I know.  This is the negative Valentine’s Day spirit in me right now.  I get that when I have a bit of downtime to think, and everyone is putting Valentine’s Day stuff all over Facebook so it’s so in my face thinking about it.  Really though, as soon as J gets home tonight and hugs me and kisses me and we both give Elsa a big Valentine’s Day hug together and have our normal close family night, I will be perfectly happy and past any negativity I’m feeling right now.  I just love spending time with J and Elsa, and having a little cuddle from J and feeling close to him is so all I need.  I would take a huge hug and cuddling on the couch over any amount of flowers, and add in a back tickle or back rub or head tickle or head rub and that makes my whole night!  And we’re going to go to breakfast on the weekend for our little Valentine’s Day eating out, we’ve been wanting to try a new restaurant in the park, so the three of us will stroll over there on Saturday or Sunday!  I’ll love that (especially since for the middle of February it’s so warm here, getting to around freezing every day so honestly feels like spring is right around the corner!)!

In other news, I’ve finally ovulated!  On Sunday night I had bad ovulation cramps, I never got the super super painful ten minutes of it, but they were definitely strong and noticeable.  Yesterday morning my temp had risen to 98.0 and this morning to 98.2.  But yesterday I still had really wet cervical fluid so part of me wonders if I really did ovulate or do it correctly, cause my book says the fluid dries up within a few hours.

I’m so negative about this cycle.  I ovulated even a day later than my expected window of ovulation.  I had little cramps on earlier days that would start and go away.  I had wet cervical fluid yesterday.  I am just so pessimistic about it working this month.  The one good thing is that if I did successfully ovulate on Sunday night, I had 5 day old, 4 day old, and 1 day old sperm in there.  So I have my fingers crossed but I don’t have too much hope.

Today is my third day without coffee.  On Sunday I had a terrible headache and sinus headaches from about 2 pm until bedtime, but yesterday I felt fine, so I hope today is good too – I have a teensy little headache but that’s all right now.  I need to get some decaf coffee grounds when I’m out so I can still have my tasty drink that I love.  Anyway, I hope that in case there is a fertilized egg, the no caffeine will help it travel down the tube faster so it has time to get all properly implanted.

If this cycle doesn’t work, next cycle I think we will just have sex every other day.  The last two cycles I’ve tried so hard to plan just when to have sex based on my window of ovulation, and done a few days in a row and then been disappointed when I didn’t ovulate when I thought I would and in the end we didn’t end up with tons of tries.  And I have also been really trying to time sex so we’ll have older sperm in there and not as much newer, to favor a girl.  But next month we’ll use the PreSeed and just do every other day from the beginning until when I ovulate, and then at least we’ll have good tries for whenever I ovulate.  I know if we have a boy I’ll initially go through some sadness, but realistically I know I’d end up loving having a little boy to experience and love, so although I would prefer a girl, I really just want to get pregnant and grow our family and what will be will be, so I need to try really hard to stop trying so hard to time sex for a girl.

Elsa just woke up.  Later today I’ll do my Gratitude Tuesdays post and hopefully sound much more positive and happy then.  I know this post has probably sounded like a bummer, and I had hardly any exclamation points in it even!

Nothing specific

03 Friday Feb 2012

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I don’t have anything specific to write about but yet feel like writing anyway.

Yesterday I read a bit on a pregnancy blog, the mom has just had her baby and she’s obviously super popular with both lots of lovers and it sounds like also a number of haters.  She seems and looks so perfect so I can understand a lot of the hate is due to jealousy – I wish I looked like her when I was pregnant, too, instead of gaining so much weight and having enormous kankles and the such!  But it has been fun to read some of her posts and get excited for when I can again write weekly pregnancy posts and be preparing for baby and doing all that exciting stuff!

We officially start trying for this third cycle tomorrow!  I have decided on sex on Saturday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday (if I haven’t yet ovulated).  And ovulation should occur sometime between Thursday and Saturday.

I’m so crossing my fingers that it will work this time.  Right now I don’t feel nearly as excited or into the process of trying this month.  I’m taking my temperature every day, and monitoring cervical fluid, but it’s not consuming so many of my thoughts.  Maybe that’s good.  Right now I have a more long-haul view, I’m hoping of course but aware that it may take a few more months now.  I wish now that we would have started earlier, even though we wouldn’t want to necessarily have gotten pregnant right away then.  But for this cycle even the thought of planning out which days to have sex is seeming not exciting and more of a chore, which is exactly what I DON’T want it to feel like.  Sex last night was fun, so I hope that tomorrow it will be more fun and as I lay on my back afterward with my hips raised I hope I’ll get some of the excitement and hope back.  And the horniness prior to ovulation should be kicking in as well so that should help!  And maybe some of my melancholy today is more due to the gray skies outside and other things, I hope.  I really want to have fun and be excited during the trying period, like I was for the last two cycles.

A girl I know a little announced this week that she was closing her photography business so she could be a stay-at-home mom and really have time to spend with her family and do things with her kids and cook meals and all that.  I really want that to be me sometime.  I wouldn’t mind doing little things on the side to make a little extra cash, but I wish I didn’t HAVE to make money, that we had enough and were in a fine financial position to not need extra money from me.  But at the same time it does seem like a waste if I’m not earning anything.  Having two incomes would definitely set us up better, let us do more things, save more money, purchase more properties to rent out, etc.  So I don’t know if I could ever stop making money completely.  But I wish I could at the same time.  And maybe it’s partly due to the stress I feel right now and whenever I think about working.  I’m just bad at the business part, very very bad and it really stresses me out so much, and I then hide from it completely.

Yesterday it was just below freezing so not too cold, and no cold breezes.  After we went to the community center for toddler play time, I decided we would go for a walk.  I bundled Elsa all up and got the good stroller out, and we walked to the park.  I set Elsa in the snow and she didn’t mind it!  This weekend is supposed to be really nice so I want us to go for walks on both Saturday and Sunday, and then my hubby can get Elsa to smile better for the camera, much better than I can do by myself when I’m just behind the camera!

Here are a couple photos from yesterday:

I need to make some lists of things to do.  I feel a little lost, like I don’t know what to do when I have any free time, I don’t know what I need to accomplish, I don’t have things to cross off.  Hubby and I have been doing weight watchers for the last two days so that has been my main focus, but then I am lost about everything else.  Today I need to mail a couple things and go to the grocery store for a couple things, and maybe try to find an air popcorn popper cause I love popcorn but we always made it in oil before and that’s not exactly conducive to the diet.  Anyway, I need some lists so I feel more organized.  And maybe it will improve my mood.

And I really hope I get pregnant soon, so I can start that massively exciting journey!  I can’t wait whenever I think about it!  I can’t wait for the positive test, can’t wait to start writing weekly updates and read about what the baby is developing each week, can’t wait to start feeling morning (or all-day if like with Elsa) sickness, can’t wait to start feeling a firmness in my belly, can’t wait to start taking weekly photos, can’t wait to go shopping for maternity jeans and pants, can’t wait to schedule a first ultrasound around 12 weeks, can’t wait to announce our news, can’t wait to watch my belly grow, can’t wait to feel the first movements of baby, can’t wait to start decorating the baby’s room, can’t wait to get out and wash and fold all our newborn things, can’t wait to pick out big girl furniture for Elsa’s room, can’t wait to start visiting my OB again.  I really really really want to get pregnant again!  Every single thing about it is so magical to me!  Fingers crossed and double crossed for this cycle to work!

My mind is already hoping

30 Monday Jan 2012

Posted by in Mom stuff, Personal, TTC

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This Saturday we’ll start our third cycle of trying for a baby.  I’m so hoping the third time is a charm.  For the last week I’ve hardly thought of babies, of being pregnant, of trying, of anything having to do with getting pregnant.  Now my period is finished and I’m getting so excited to start our week of trying again, and so hoping that this time I’ll get a positive!

Yesterday I did maternity photos for my very first bride from almost three years ago.  She looked amazing and her belly was so perfect!  She should actually be a maternity clothes model, she has only gained weight in her belly and is so beautiful.  We spent the whole hour of course just talking about pregnancy, labor, babies, etc., so it started getting me very excited again.  And I just got an email from one of my brides from this last summer.  She’s seven weeks pregnant and I’m soooo happy for her!  They got pregnant last fall and when she went for an ultrasound at 10 weeks, she found out the baby had died at 6 weeks, I felt so devastated for her, so I’m soooooo hoping that this one works out perfectly for them!

So yes, now I can’t help but think of getting pregnant again.  I had my week off from hardly any thoughts and now they’re back.  I have such a desire to go to the baby name forum, and peek into other forums as well.  But I don’t want to have my mind SO on it, I want to stay relaxed and not too excited and driven.  After 2 negatives I really don’t want to get my hopes too up again, I want to have the attitude of we’re trying and we’ll see what happens.  And I want to have other things to focus on – my business, taking photos, visiting my parents, etc., so I’m not so super focused on this.

But I can’t wait to be able to shop in the maternity stores, and to start counting the weeks, writing weekly updates here, pick a color to paint the new baby’s room, pick out big girl furniture for Elsa’s room, go through and wash all our baby stuff again, buy a new dresser for the baby’s room, feel it move in my belly.  Today Elsa was sitting in her high chair and I told her that yesterday I took photos of a girl who has a baby in her belly, just like Elsa used to be in my belly.  It was so surreal to think that, that this little person started out her life inside me, that it was her little feet that would kick out against my stomach and her little bum that rested on the right side of my belly and pushed out sometimes.  It’s such a miracle!  I think about that summer and fall of 2010 when I would feel her moving, and all the hopes and dreams and fears I had and wondering what this little person would be like, and I look at the little 15-month-old who she is now, and I’m just blown away.  She’s my heart literally walking outside my body, that saying is so true.  My little angel.  And I so want to start on the journey for another, and to give Elsa a little brother or sister.

On a side note, I need to stop watching Criminal Minds.  It’s easily the one show on TV that sometimes sticks with me, that I have daymares about even weeks after I last saw an episode.  And yet whenever it’s on I can’t not watch if I haven’t seen the episode.  Last night they were playing episodes non-stop on one of the cable channels.  One of them was about two kids who would target a family, enter their home and kill them all.  I can’t stop thinking about the horror of seeing Elsa terrified and being hurt and not being able to do anything to help her or stop it.  I think about all the probably hundreds of thousands of people throughout history who have lived through terror, who have had terrible people do terrible things to their children in front of them, or who have killed the parents in front of the children, and how absolutely unbearable it must have been.  It’s on my mind a lot right now.  I need to stop watching that show cause even without it I imagine terrible things – I am extra careful when driving, I am so careful carrying or strolling Elsa through parking lots, I make sure the gate in our house is closed in case I were to have a heart attack, etc etc etc.  I can get quite paranoid sometimes.  But that show brings it to a whole different awful level.  But it’s also such a good show.  Maybe I’ll just have to not watch any episodes that have anything at all to do with kids, that would probably work.  And if my husband ever read this paragraph he would agree that I’m being totally paranoid.  BUT, one of my best friends who had a baby 2 months ago just told me that she also imagines so many terrible situations and gets so paranoid, and imagines her son crying and feeling like she abandoned him.  So it’s not just me, I think it’s a mom thing.

Anyway, I will do my best to not think too much about getting pregnant.  We’ll try, we’ll have fun trying, I’ll have fun writing down everything on my pink pad app, and I’ll hope but not spend too much time hoping.  I have lots of other things on my to-do list!!

Anxiety

30 Monday Jan 2012

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I started this post originally with a different title and different point.  I started first writing about how I wanted spring to be here so going outside wouldn’t be such a production and we could go for walks and to the park all the time, and we wouldn’t stay in the house so much.  Then it morphed into something that’s been on my mind for a few weeks and that I need to address so I can start working on it.

Anxiety.  I have never been diagnosed with having anxiety, but on and off I definitely have symptoms of it – they come and go every couple years or so.  (I did have minor depression about 12 years or so ago and was on antidepressants for years).

When I am feeling these anxiety-like symptoms, I don’t want to leave the house.  I’m happy in the house.  When I go out I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me.  I feel unattractive, too short, too round.  I know I don’t have any stylish clothes, I know I don’t have a real hair style.  I feel like my hair is flat and boring, my makeup melting off, my skin shiny and not perfect-looking.  I feel like I look bum-like (bum as in street person, not rear end).  I feel completely lacking.  I feel like people can tell that I have no confidence, I feel like people will wonder why I dress my daughter so cute but spend no time making myself look good.  I want to be a stylish mom with lululemon pants, a cute hat, a cute coat, a hair style, and who looks like I have it all put together.  But I feel like I’m the total opposite.

It isn’t always so bad.  For example, when I’m going to the grocery store, I often get really anxious before we leave the house and keep putting it off.  I may get a stomach ache and consider using that as excuse to not go.  But then I go.  Since it’s during the day it’s not crowded so that’s good.  Once I get there I vacillate between being fine and feeling a bit of anxiety.  I like when I have my list cause then I feel at least somewhat organized and not like I’m flying by the seat of my pants, trying to figure out on the fly what to make for dinners and feeling bad cause I’m so unorganized and not my ideal.  I feel good when we’re in the less crowded areas, I feel good talking to Elsa and showing her things, and I feel good crossing things off my list.  But still, it’s pathetic that I even feel anxiety at all from just going to the grocery store in the middle of the day.  That’s sad, and so not the way I want to be.

Going to the mall is similar but a bit worse cause I’m in the open walking so feel more eyes on me, judging me and finding me lacking.  And there are lots of cutely dressed girls and women walking around.  And I’ll sometimes go in a store and try a few things on and end up feeling terrible about myself.  But I still like the distraction of going there, somewhat.  I guess I feel good afterward cause we did something and weren’t just stuck in the house.

It was much easier from Sept-Dec because we had two classes each week, so we got out of the house two days a week for sure for scheduled things and they were a lot of fun, and I had company in other moms and loved watching Elsa have fun.  I really miss our classes.  There is open play time on Tuesdays through Thursdays at a community center.  I’ve gone a few times on Wednesdays cause I know a couple women who go, and it’s always been really fun and Elsa has loved it.  Yet I haven’t so far gone this year, and January is basically over.  I need to make it a priority to go at least once a week.

I’m not sure if I have a point to writing all this.  More just an acknowledgement I guess, getting it out there, writing it down so the feelings aren’t just swimming around inside me.  I think people who know me would be surprised to hear that I feel this way.  I don’t think I project the way I feel, but maybe I do more in the mall or grocery store.  I need to make real efforts to start breaking out of this, to make myself get us out of the house.  It was bad enough when it was just me, but now I’m affecting my daughter with my anxiety.  She’s now at an age where she thrives when we go out and do things.  She is starting to get bored with too much time spent at home and needs some variety.

So.  I need a plan.

1) every week we will go to the community center one day.  Elsa will get a couple hours of play, and I’ll get the satisfaction of taking her, watching her, maybe talking with some moms, and feeling good about myself.

2) every week we will go to the mall one day a week.  I know I’ll get anxious so not feel bad feeling that way, but once I get more used to it maybe it will be easier.  It will suck knowing that I have no money to buy anything, I know that.  But we’ll walk around the mall and Elsa will get to see things, and if they have a kids area she can get out and play.  I will get used to going so hopefully feel less anxious, I will get exercise, we will get out of the house, there are lots of benefits.

3) the hubby and I are starting weight watchers tomorrow (or maybe on Wednesday for him).  If I can lose even 5 pounds I’ll start feeling much more confident.  I know I want to get pregnant, too, of course, so I’m not going hard core with losing weight obviously, but as long as I’m not pregnant I will hopefully be able to drop a bit of weight which will make me healthier and happier and more confident, and look better.  If I weren’t going to hopefully be getting pregnant soon, I would be aiming to lose 20 pounds.  I will just aim to lose a couple pounds a week, while eating healthy and tons of vegetables, until I know I’m pregnant, and then stop trying to lose weight but eat the proper amount of calories each day.

4) I think it’s time to get a better haircut.  When I can justify it by making a little money.  I need to have more of a style.

5) clothes.  That’s hard.  First because I have no money to spend on clothes right now.  Second because I feel not much looks good on me.  Third because I’m not up on the styles or how to shop or what to get.  And fourth because I hope to be pregnant soon so I don’t want to spend money on clothes that I won’t be able to wear in a few months – and soon after I get pregnant I’ll start only shopping for maternity clothes anyway.  So this one is hard.  With our current money situation there’s not much I can do.  I will watch for sales of winter coats though.  I really need a better looking, stylish winter coat cause mine looks like a big box.  And cute winter hats as well, mine from last year is all worn out and just does not look good anymore.  So I will watch for good sales, which should really start in a month I’d think, and maybe I can find a good deal on a good looking and stylish winter coat, and cute hat.  At least I could justify the cost cause I will use it for the rest of this winter and have it for next year.  I also, when I’m at the mall sometime this week, will look in the maternity store.  Because since I was newly pregnant with Elsa until even right now, my favorite thing to wear has been a black little zip-up shirt.  It’s form-fitting, thin, black, and I think makes my stomach look thin while not showing the excess weight still there, and I feel better in that than I feel in anything else I own.  Maybe they have something similar.  I know it’s not the most stylish thing but I feel better wearing that than anything, only now it has so worn down that I can’t wear it anymore – there are actual circles around both nipples where the fabric was worn out, it’s not super obvious but enough that I feel like such a bum wearing it.  But if I could find another I would be so happy.  Besides that I will just keep my eyes open to see if there’s a sale or good deal on one item that I would definitely wear and love.  And hopefully I’ll get pregnant in a couple weeks so I can stop thinking about normal clothes.

6) I will try to get out most days at least for a short drive.  It sounds silly but it’s so easy now to stay in the house, and I get anxious before we go out at all and keep putting it off, and so we never go out.  And I hate not having a destination in mind, or if I just need to go to the drug store it almost seems like a waste to get us all dressed up, all the production, car warmed, etc, just for ten minutes in the store.  But it’s something each day then, it will get us out of the house, doing something different, and get me out of the comfort zone of the house and help me hopefully get past this anxiety.  So even if it’s just driving for 20 minutes, I think it would be good for us and me, and I can always pop into any little store with Elsa and walk around cause it’s something different for her then.

And hopefully by the time spring is here in 2-3 months, then I’ll be doing better and able to bundle us up and take us for short walks most days.  And hopefully feel better about myself by then and not feel so judged.  Hopefully I’ll actually feel the opposite, feel confident and maybe hot again if I’ve managed to lose a few pounds.  But I will just hope for feeling more like my normal by then and not feeling like I just want to stay in the house, and thus feeling like a terrible mom and lazy person by doing that.

I have so many things to work on.  I want to be a better person in so many ways, I get so down on myself when I think of all that’s wrong with me.  I’m pretty down right now.  And the grayness outside and sprinkles of snow coming down, and not having gone out today, aren’t helping.  It’s almost 4:00 now, Elsa is still napping, when she wakes she’ll need to eat, I’ll need to get dinner ready, straighten the house, so no time to go out this afternoon.  Tomorrow is a new day.  Tomorrow I will be better.  Right now I’m going to focus on tomorrow and the rest of the week, and make my plans for each day and how the rest of the week will be better than today, despite the cold and any grayness.  I will be a better mom and person.  I will take Elsa out.  I’ll be better.

 

 

No baby :(

25 Wednesday Jan 2012

Posted by in Goals, Personal, TTC

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No baby this cycle.  Yesterday on Day 12 my temperature dropped down too much so I knew in the morning, and then in the evening I actually started my period.  I’m actually very happy that my period came right away instead of me having to wait for two more days while knowing I’m not pregnant, and now I’ll next ovulate two days earlier than I would have if it came on Day 14, too.  I’m pretty bummed today though.  Feeling dejected and there’s a little cloud of gray over my mood.  I know I just need to feel it and in a couple days I’ll be able to move on and start really planning and getting hopeful for this next cycle.

Two nights ago I made the big mistake of going to a TTC forum.  That really freaked me out.  There was one thread about women who got pregnant right away with their first baby (like me) and then are having it take much longer for their second baby.  One woman wrote that it took them 13 cycle to get pregnant with baby #2.  That would be so awful.  I keep reminding myself that the stats are, I think, that 50% of couples conceive in the first 3 months, and 70-80% within the first 6 months.  So I’m hopeful that in the next one or two cycles I’ll be able to have a positive result.  And I need to tell the hubby all these stats too, cause he didn’t say a word yesterday evening about it so I’m worried that he’s worrying that something is wrong.  In his mind, we got pregnant right away last time, and now for two months we’ve had sex on all the right days and I’ve known just when I ovulated, so he must of course be worried about why it hasn’t worked for two months.  I totally get that, cause I feel that way too, it’s so frustrating when I know my body and cycle so well and have everything perfectly planned and it doesn’t work.  But I know it’s normal, and that there’s only a 35% chance at most of it working each cycle.

It’s supposed to be warm today, above freezing, so I’ll take Elsa outside for a bit and take some photos of her in the snow, and take a walk if it’s not windy.  I hope that would help my mood, getting some fresh air and exercise.

I’ve also decided that since I’m not pregnant yet, I may as well start now to get in better shape and lose some weight.  I’ve been generally eating somewhat better since the new year, and making healthier dinners, but I need to work on portion control better, and most importantly, start exercising.  So I have decided that I’m going to get up before Elsa, at 6:15, at least three times a week so I can do a workout tape and some exercises with my dumbbells.  It will be good for me in every way possible – physical, mental, emotional, energy-wise, confidence-wise, perspective-wise.  Right before last weekend I looked through some old photos from 4-5 years ago.  The hubby and I were both so skinny.  I was hot.  I could wear tons of clothes and look great in them.  I am 20-25 pounds heavier now and I feel awful, when I shop for clothes most things do NOT look good on me, I don’t feel hot in the slightest, and it really depresses me.  I have been inspired lately to start doing something about it, for real, but then with the also trying to get pregnant I didn’t want to be trying to lose a bunch of weight.  And I’m going to take it slow and not be thinking of dropping 20 pounds, but work on eating even healthier and proper portion sizes for dinner, and doing my exercise tapes at least 3 times a week, and if I can lose a few pounds and look a little better and feel a little better and be a little healthier, it will all be so good, and a better start for whenever I get pregnant, too.  I’m really excited about it!  And excited to be able to start right now at getting in better shape and feeling healthier!  And then I’ll hopefully have it as a habit by the time I get pregnant so I can keep doing light workouts even after I get a positive, and keep lifting my little dumbbells so my arms get stronger and look a little better.

I’m still sad today, but trying to focus on these positive things, and remind myself that it’s ONLY been two months, that’s totally normal, and it WILL happen sooner than later, and taking better care of myself can only help.  And I’ll get a little fresh air with Elsa today, and also go grocery shopping after that and get more healthy food to make.  And fingers very much crossed for the next cycle.

2.5 more days…

23 Monday Jan 2012

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…until I can test.  I’m on a roller coaster waiting now.  One hour I have hope that I’ll get a positive, the next hour I’m so depressed cause feel sure it will be negative.  I’m definitely thinking about it much much more than last week cause now it’s imminent.  And also there has already now been successful implantation, or I’m just waiting to get my period – all or nothing.  It’s Monday night right now, and I’ve promised myself that I won’t test until Thursday morning, on the morning of Day 14.  Unless I already have the definite signs of my period about to start (cramps, huge bloating, pressure down there), in which case I won’t bother testing.

This morning I took my temperature and it was 98.1.  Three days ago it was 98.5, two days ago it was 98.4, and yesterday it was 98.3.  But it has been 98.1 or 98.0 on three other days post-ovulation.  Anyway though, I didn’t and don’t like the slow dropping, not at all.  I looked at last month, and on the two days before my period started it started dropping a lot.  So tomorrow will be key I think to whether I keep any hope or not.  If it’s 98 or above I’ll keep hope. If it’s dropped below 98 then I’ll be pretty sure my period will be coming on or around Thursday.  So I’m a bit nervous for tomorrow morning.

So this morning I was pretty depressed.  I was so moody too, and over-emotional, and that made me think it was maybe PMS.  Which made me more depressed.  I was also tired.  And in the late morning to early afternoon, I had a bit of a stomach ache and even felt a bit weak and the tiniest bit dizzy.  Then we had a vet appointment so I wasn’t thinking about it too much.  Oh but on the drive to the appointment, and the whole time there and the way home, my left arm was hurting, like a soreness running up it, and my left hand even seemed a bit weak and shaky, so then I was really concentrating on my fear that I was going to have a heart attack or a stroke.  I’m pretty paranoid when it comes to big scary illnesses and emergencies.  And I’m only 35 so I think sometimes how awful it will be when I’m 50 or 70.  (My arm feels fine now).  Anyway though, I was pretty positive that I would be getting my period and get a negative and already anticipating the sadness I’d feel for a couple of days.

This evening I googled “early symptoms of pregnancy” and that made me feel better and a little more on the holding out hope side still.  It sucks cause so many of the symptoms can be both pre-menstrual or early pregnancy!  But reading it still made me hopeful and a little excited still which is good!  If I get a negative it will suck but I’ll get over it in a couple days and move onto planning for the next month.  But I want to be able to keep some hope these last two days!

One positive is that last month I had a lot of very minor crampy feelings throughout the two-week period, and definitely had those at this time.  I sometimes feel a little tiny cramp, maybe a couple times a day that last for less than a minute, but it’s nothing like last month.  And my temperature is still up (although falling slightly but still up).  And I’m tired a lot these last 2-3 days, and have had a stomach ache on and off over the last couple days, and felt a little weak and dizzy.  I’ve been moody today (which could be either but it probably favors PMS), I’ve had discharge.  Oh I don’t know, it’s both exciting and exhausting wondering and waiting for Day 14 to get here!!!  The devil on one shoulder just tried to convince me to try testing early, like tomorrow or on Wednesday, just to see.  But I promised myself I would wait this month, both to save money and not waste expensive tests, and to not get a negative but still be kept wondering if it was just too early (and then another expensive test or two wasted a couple or few days later).  I just have two more full days, and then I’ll wake up and be able to pee on the stick.  And I’m not even going to buy a test until Wednesday or else the temptation would be too great.

My mother-in-law was here this weekend, from Saturday afternoon to Sunday evening.  Luckily she’s hugely allergic to my cats so left Sunday night instead of Monday morning.  She gets on my nerves like no else does, even two days are hard.  I’m already soooooo dreading our visit there in early April, when we will likely be spending 3-4 full days with her.  Soooooooo dreading.  I just need to keep reminding myself that when it’s over we likely won’t see her for a few months.  And hopefully I’ll be pregnant then so have that to distract me.

It’s 9:45.  I was going to go to bed really early since I’m tired, and also because I need glasses but don’t have them so I have an eye-fatigue headache.  But I also feel like I should really do some of the things I need to do.  That I NEED to do.  So I think I will try, but I also need to get up before Elsa so I can shower so I can’t stay up much longer at all.  I so hope I’m pregnant.  Otherwise this whole two weeks of waiting and wondering and hoping and looking for any positive sign seems so in vain.  But I can hold onto the one positive that we would get another trying period of lots of sex over a week and a half, and I would love that part!  :)

Just in case…

13 Friday Jan 2012

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I wrote an email to myself on the day I ovulated (and got pregnant) with Elsa, and it’s so cool to look back on what I was feeling.  So I want to do the same thing again just in case I get pregnant this cycle.

I ovulated last night between 8:30 and 9:00.  Many months I know exactly when I ovulate because for between 10-20 minutes I have EXTREME pain, so strong and intense and almost constant, but yet in little waves.  And then it moves to a dull very strong pain and spreads actually down to my whole lower area so it’s really uncomfortable to sit and I actually feel like something is going to come out of me.  And then it subsides over the next hour or so (with help from Tylenol).  It was hard to walk during that time, I had to bend over as I walked anywhere, and after I took some Tylenol I laid on the couch while it slowly subsided.

I’m hesitantly excited right now.  I’m trying not to let myself get excited or get my hopes up too much.  But the possibility that I could be getting pregnant right now is still so exciting and the thoughts are definitely there!  I would be more excited if we hadn’t had our first negative result ever last month (we got pregnant the first month of trying with Elsa).  And I would be more excited if I hadn’t ovulated three days later than I expected so we got more tries in.  As it is, when I ovulated there was 4-day-old sperm in there (from Sunday), and 1-day-old sperm in there (from Wednesday, but I was on top so a lot leaked out soon after).  So I feel like the chances aren’t great.  But I am happy that there’s probably way more x sperms still in there than y sperms!  And I so so so hope one of those has already broken into the egg successfully!!

I have already looked ahead to next month and to the few days during which I’ll likely ovulate (earlier if like the last few months, a few days later if like this month), and I’ve already decided exactly when we’ll start having sex (every other day at the beginning), and when we’ll be doing every day, and when we’ll take a break for a day.  So I have next month all planned out if this month doesn’t work and then I know we’ll get lots of tries in! But I’m also very excited about the possibility of getting pregnant right now!  The two weeks of waiting are so hard!!!!  If it worked now then we’d have an early October baby due, I would love that!!!  And then I’d be over my morning (or all-day if like with Elsa) sickness by our trip to Vancouver which would be nice.  And I’d have more of a reason to not book weddings during the summer (cause I know my husband wants me to).  And I wouldn’t have to worry anymore about not getting pregnant, and I could start excitedly planning!  And pull out my name lists that I’ve been working on for even the last few months!!  I would be really happy with either an early October or early November baby, so I hope this month or next month will work.

I’m also, like last time with Elsa, a little torn.  Even though I’m anxious to get pregnant so I won’t worry about any infertility problems, and so excited about getting this magical process started, I also REALLY like the whole trying process.  I love the excitement of looking at my calendar to see when I expect to ovulate and planning when we’ll be having sex, and taking my temperature every morning and checking out cervical fluid every day.  And I love love love love love the extra closeness I feel with my husband during this time.  I love how much sex we have, I love that we go to bed together every night, I love that he’ll say “should we go up to bed” instead of “I’m going up to bed”.  I feel SO much closer to him during this time.  I feel like we’re in it together, like we spend more time together, and I don’t have any of the issues that I have at other times.

I’ll explain that a little so it doesn’t sound bad, in case it does.  I love the book The 5 Languages of Love.  Reading that was the most eye-opening book I’ve read in as long as I can remember.  From that I discovered that my number one language (of how I feel loved) is physical contact.  And my second one is quality time.  When my husband and I are downstairs watching TV after Elsa goes to bed, and he says “I’m going up to bed” or “I’m going up to read in bed” or whatever, and gives me a kiss goodnight, it feels like a little slap in the face.  I know he needs his alone time like I need mine, so I understand it, and some nights I don’t love it but I still am fine after he goes up so I can have my own time.  But if it goes on like that for two nights in a row, or three nights in a row, then I start getting so bitter, so hurt, so sad, so rejected, and I feel alone and unloved and undesired.  So when we’re trying for a week or more, none of that happens and I’m instead such a happy wife!!!  We hang out together after Elsa goes to bed with the knowledge that we’ll be going upstairs together, I sit close to him because I’m content and secure, and we go upstairs together or basically together, and have an intimate connection in bed before we fall asleep instead of just each reading our iPhones and then falling asleep next to each other but apart.  I really love this time so much.  And seeing how happy it makes me is eye opening, so I’m completely seeing the difference in myself and how I feel during this time compared to during non-close times.  So I can explain all this to my husband and we can both, but especially me, make sure we somewhat keep this schedule going even after I get pregnant.  I’m thinking more sex, and also going to bed together at least every other day.  It will make me so much happier and keep us close!

Okay and now back to the point of my post!  I could be getting pregnant right now!!  Last month I started reading my baby books as soon as I ovulated, reading about the fertilized egg traveling down the fallopian tube the first week and cells quickly separating, and then reading about implantation and the beginning of settling in and developing in the second week after ovulation.  This month I won’t do that.  I know what’s happening if it works, and I’m just going to try my best to be very patient and keep my mind on all the other things I need to do.  In a way, I’m very glad that my mother-in-law is coming to visit next weekend because I’ll be spending a lot of time this next week getting ready for that – printing photos for frames, hanging new frames, cleaning, going through all the stuff I’ve thrown in the guest room, washing all the bedding and getting the room ready, etc.  So that will hopefully keep my mind off the possibility of being pregnant and keep me from anxiously counting down each day!

And even though I’m a little excited, I keep reminding myself that because of my late ovulation (and because I figured I would ovulate on schedule so let us have a break for a couple days), we only had two tries that counted.  So I want to keep my hopes low so I won’t be too sad or stressed if I get a negative result.  And if it’s negative, then it means another fun time of trying which I love, and I already have it all planned out even now!!

Fingers crossed though!!  :)

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